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We'll use the porter

The Oxford and Cambridge University student teams were due to play when one of the Oxford men had to drop out at short notice. 'Why don't we use Johnson, the head porter at Balliol?' suggested the Oxford captain to the selection committee.

'I've seen him play in a local amateur team and he's a brilliant striker - absolutely unstoppable.

We can get him a set of colours and as long as he doesn't speak to anyone, we should be able to get away with it.'

The committee thought this might be a little unethical but in desperation they agreed to the plan. They rigged out the Balliol porter and put him on the left wing. He was, as the Oxford captain had said, unstoppable, and they beat Cambridge 9-1, Johnson having scored eight of the goals single-handed.

Afterwards in the bar, the Cambridge captain approached Johnson and said sportingly, 'Well done, old boy!

A magnificent effort! By the way, what are you studying at Balliol?'

The porter thought for a moment, then said brightly, 'Sums!'


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