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Derby County


... Given his scoring exploits this season, it was inevitable that a major European team would come in with a seven-figure offer for Derby player, Paulo Wanchope. Unfortunately, the deal seemed doomed from the start.

... The Italian delegation, on arrival in England, got lost on the way to Pride Park. "We have never heard of Derby, they are too hopeless to play in Europe", admitted a club spokesman.

... Also, Wanchope was unable to arrange personal terms with the-interested club, who could not agree to his demand that a sheep be brought in to the changing room before each match to perform sexual favours.

At a press conference, Jim Smith made no secret. of his sadness at the deal falling through. "It's a great shame", `said Smith. "Those seven figurines of Beatrix Potter Characters would be the best thing we've had in the trophy cabinet for years. We were even planning to claim they were Derby's prize for winning the Peter Rabbit cup, a fictitious tournament for top European sides and Derby County."...


Arnold, the fanatical Derby fan always wears his replica strip, and wherever he goes people take the mickey out of him, and say he's stupid. This makes him angry, so when he next goes for his walking holiday in the Lake District, he decides not to bother. He walks through a field of sheep and sees a farmer. Feeling in need of some sexual activity he walks up and asks the farmer, "If I guess how many sheep you have, can I take one away and have sex with her?"

"OK" replied the farmer. "There are 173" said Arnold.

"That's really impressive," says the farmer. "Take your pick." Arnold chooses, and begins to walk off. The,, farmer shouts back, "If I can guess which team you support, can I have my dog back?"

A psychology professor decided to study the way in which different people from different parts of the country have sex with sheep. He travelled first to Wales, where he asks a farmer to explain his method: "Well, boyo, I put her back legs down my nice green wellies, grab her with me velcro gloves, and we're well away. Tidy!"

The professor tries Scotland next . "Hoots an' toots man, I put her back legs down my nice green wellies, grab her with me velcro gloves, and we're well away. Och aye tha noo!"

The professor moves on to the Lake District: "Well, I put her back legs down my nice green wellies, grab hers with me velcro gloves, and we're well away. There's nowt more ti it 'yon that."

The professor is noticing a pattern developing, so he decides to try Derbyshire, and then call it a day.

He stops a bloke outside Pride Park, who happens to be our old friend, Arnold, and asks him to explain the Derby County method: "Well me duck, I put her back legs down my nice green wellies, sling her front legs over me shoulders, and that's all there is to it!"

The professor is excited to have found some regional variation, and tells Arnold that this is very different from the Scots, Welsh and Cumbrians.

"How do they do it then?" asks Arnold, and the professor explains. Arnold on hearing the explanation walks off disgusted. "What! No kissing?" ;

Arnold the Derby fan is walking his dog one day, when he sees an old lamp. He bends down to pick it up, and starts to rub it to clean it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, "I am the economy-price genie?" I grant but one wish".

Arnold thinks for a while, and then says, "Make my dog Wanchope, win Crufts." The genie looks at Wanchope and says, "Don't be stupid, look at the thing. It's mangy, it's got fleas, it's got a bit missing from one eat it limps and it smells. I might be a genie, but I'm not a miracle worker." "All right then," says Arnold, "Make Derby County win the Premier League." The genie stops for a moment, then says, "Let's have another look at that dog again.

Two Derby fans are walking along. One of them picks up a mirror, looks in it and says, "Hey I know that bloke." The second one picks it up and says, "Of course you do, you thick git - its me!"

A reporter from Central News East is interviewing Jim Smith and Dave Basset. He first asks Jim what his long term plans for Derby are. Jim replies, "Well, I see us becoming a good, average Premiership team, who don't even get involved in relegation issues."

The reporter then puts the same question to Harry, who answers, "I think that once we secure promotion we will be able to mount a successful challenge to the Premier League title. Once in Europe, we will carry off the European cup for the next five years." "Don't you think that's a little bit optimistic, Dave?" asks the interviewer, to which our Harry replies, "Well Jim started it."

Jim Smith was getting worried that all his players were hopeless, so he phoned up a decent manager to ask for advice. Dave Bassett explained that he got all the Forest players to dribble round cones, thus improving their close ball control. He suggested Jim try this. Two weeks later, Dave rang back to see how the Derby players were coping with the new system. When he answered the phone
though Smith was still browned off.

"Didn't my suggestion work?" Asked Harry. "Bloody cones! They beat us 3-0" muttered Smith.

Q. How many Derby fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Yeah, like they have electricity in Derby.

Arnold, the Derby fan is sent to Hell for his sins (bestiality mostly). There he meets the Devil, who asks him, "How art thou finding the eternal damnation of Hades?" "Not too bad really," says Arnold. "It's certainly warmer than Derbyshire in February, quite pleasant really"

Satan is very upset that anyone should actually enjoy Hell, so he orders his demons to turn down all the heating, until it is so cold that the very air freezes. He then goes to seek out Arnold who is smiling broadly. "What art thou doing?" asks Satan. "Is not the bitter cold chilling thy twisted soul to the bitter core?"

"Yes," admits Arnold, "But I'm still happy, because this weather can only mean one thing: Derby have at last won the Premier League!"

Q. What's the best thing to come out of Derby?

A. The A52


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